The Cask of Anorthosite
by Quod scripsi
Summary: Alexander has at last reached the limits of what he will tolerate from the other Wild Things and repays Douglas for the dirt clod incident – in Poe Style!  A semi-parody of Poe's "The Cask of Amontillado"


Edgar Allan Poe ranks among my favorite 19th Century authors. A few nights ago, after reading his 1846 short story "The Cask of Amontillado" and then watching the dirt clod war scenes from "Where the Wild Things Are" the strangest thing happened. I dreamed that Alexander had at last reached the limits of what he will tolerate from the other Wild Things and decided it was time to repay Douglas for the dirt clod incident – and in Poe Style! Who knew Alexander was so literary and articulate? I always said that goat boy is far cleverer than any of us might have imagined. If Carol isn't careful he may end up under the floorboards, or walled up with a black cat. Good thing Max is out of the picture. Actually, I don't think Alexander has a cruel bone in his body and could never really hurt anyone. Perhaps this is just one of his day dreams.

I assume anyone reading this (if anyone ever reads it) has watched the movie. But since the entire premise of the story relies upon one brief scene in the film I'll just mention it for clarity. During the scenes in which Max surveys the perimeter of the fort Carol carries Douglas as a means of measurement and asks him what he has been eating, to which Douglas replies "rocks". So, rocks are substituted for Amontillado and other wine since I just can't see the Wild Thinks drinking sherry. If this point is missed the story will make absolutely no sense to the reader…not that it will anyway, but – well, you know what I mean.

_Disclaimer: The below story is essentially Poe's "The Cask of Amontillado" with only a very few revisions. These works is a parody of, and salute to, Edgar Allan Poe, as well as a tribute to my favorite WT, Alexander. I do not claim to have written this story, only to have slightly changed it in order to create a parody. I think "The Cask of Amontillado" must be in the public domain, but if I suddenly disappear from the site you'll know FanFiction did not approve. Alexander, Douglas and Max are also not my creations or property, although I do consider Alexander to be one of my best fictional, non-human, semi-goat friends and would very much like to take him to Red Robin for fries and a cup of coffee. Or a salad, whatever he wants._

(For those of us that are not geologists, Anorthosite is a type of intrusive igneous rock composed predominantly of calcium-rich plagioclase feldspar…but everyone probably already knew that.)

**The Cask of Anorthosite**

By Edgar Alexander Goat

The thousand injuries of Douglas I had borne as I best could (frigging dirt clods), but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge. You, who so well know the nature of my soul, and how I can become upset but then just as quickly calm down, will not suppose, however, that I gave utterance to a threat. AT LENGTH I would be avenged; this was a point definitively settled - but the very definitiveness with which it was resolved precluded the idea of risk. I must not only punish, but punish with impunity. A wrong is unredressed when retribution overtakes its redresser. It is equally unredressed when the avenger fails to make himself felt as such to him who has done the wrong. It's a Wild Thing thing, you might not understand.

It must be understood that neither by word nor deed had I given Douglas cause to doubt my good will. I continued as was my wont, to smile in his face and not call him chicken, and he did not perceive that my smile NOW was at the thought of his chastisement.

He had a weak point - this Douglas - although in other regards he was a Wild Thing to be respected and even feared. He prided himself on his connoisseurship in rocks. Few Wild Things have the true virtuoso spirit. For the most part their enthusiasm is adopted to suit the time and opportunity to practice imposture upon the non-Wild Thing animals on the island. In not eating things that irritated him, Douglas, like his fellow Wild Things, was a quack, but in the matter of fine rocks he was sincere. In this respect I did not differ from him materially; I was skilful in the exotic rocks myself, and bought largely whenever I could.

It was about dusk, one evening during the supreme madness of the island carnival season, that I encountered my friend. He accosted me with excessive warmth, for he had been drinking much sand. The bird wore motley. He had on a tight-fitting parti-striped dress and his head was surmounted by the conical cap and bells. I was so pleased to see him, that I thought I should never have done wringing his one good hand.

I said to him - "My dear Douglas, you are luckily met. How remarkably well you are looking today! But I have received a pipe of what passes for Anorthosite, and I have my doubts."

"How?" said he, "Anorthosite? A pipe? Impossible ? And in the middle of the carnival?"

"I have my doubts," I replied; "and I was silly enough to pay the full Anorthosite price without consulting you in the matter. You were not to be found, and I was fearful of losing a bargain. Bob and Terry are not hesitant to practice the art of the hard sell"

"Anorthosite!"

"I have my doubts."

"Anorthosite!"

"And I must satisfy them."

"Anorthosite!"

"As you are engaged, I am on my way to Ira. If any one has a critical turn, it is he. He will tell me" -

"Ira cannot tell Anorthosite from Syenite."

"And yet some fools will have it that his taste is a match for your own."

"Come let us go."

"Whither?"

"To your goat cave."

"My friend, no; I will not impose upon your good nature. I perceive you have an engagement -"

"I have no engagement; come."

"My friend, no. It is not the engagement, but the severe cold with which I perceive you are afflicted. The caves are insufferably damp. They are encrusted with nitre."

"Let us go, nevertheless. The cold is merely nothing. Anorthosite! You have been imposed upon; and as for Ira, he cannot distinguish Syenite from Anorthosite."

Thus speaking, Douglas possessed himself of my arm. Putting on a mask of black silk and drawing a roquelaire closely about my horns, I suffered him to hurry me to my abode.

There were no raccoon attendants at home; they had absconded to make merry in honor of the time. I had told them that I should not return until the morning and had given them explicit orders not to stir from the house. These orders were sufficient, I well knew, to insure their immediate disappearance, one and all, as soon as my back was turned. Little masked bastards, even thought I wanted and expected them to disobey me and depart it still angers me. One simply can't find quality help on this island.

I took from their sconces two flambeaux, and giving one to Douglas bowed him through several suites of huts to the archway that led into the cave. I passed down a long and winding ramp, requesting him to be cautious as he followed. We came at length to the foot of the descent, and stood together on the damp ground of the catacombs of the Alexanders.

The gait of my friend was unsteady, and the bells upon his cap jingled as he strode.

"The pipe," said he.

"It is farther on," said I; "but observe the white webwork which gleams from these cavern walls."

He turned towards me and looked into my eyes with two filmy orbs that distilled the rheum of intoxication.

"Nitre?" he asked, at length

"Nitre," I replied. "How long have you had that cough?"

"Ugh! ugh! ugh! - ugh! ugh! ugh! - ugh! ugh! ugh! - ugh! ugh! ugh! - ugh! ugh! ugh!

My poor friend found it impossible to reply for many minutes.

"It is nothing," he said, at last.

"Come," I said, with decision, we will go back; your health is precious. You are respected, admired, beloved, and not ignored all the damn time; you are happy as once I was. You are a Wild Thing to be missed. For me it is no matter. We will go back; you will be ill and I cannot be responsible. Besides, there is Ira" -

"Enough," he said; "the cough is a mere nothing; it will not kill me. I shall not die of a cough."

"True - true," I replied; "and, indeed, I had no intention of alarming you unnecessarily - but you should use all proper caution. A draught of this Marble will defend us from the damps."

Here I knocked off a few grains of fine Marble which I drew from a long row of its fellows that lay upon the mould.

"Take these," I said, presenting him the small rocks.

He raised them to his beak with a leer. He paused and nodded to me familiarly, while his bells jingled.

"I eat," he said, "to the buried that repose around us."

"And I to your long life."

He again took my arm and we proceeded.

"These vaults," he said, are extensive."

"The Alexanders," I replied, "were a great and numerous family - I am the last."

"I forget your arms."

"A huge goat foot d'or, in a field azure; the foot crushes a troll-like creature that looks very much like Carol whose fangs are imbedded in the heel."

"And the motto?"

"Nemo caper impune lacessit." (No one provokes the Goat with impunity)

"Good!" he said.

The Marble sparkled in his eyes and the bells jingled. My own fancy grew warm with the same. We had passed through walls of piled bones, with casks and puncheons intermingling, into the inmost recesses of the catacombs. I paused again, and this time I made bold to seize Douglas by the arm above the elbow, which is not easy to do because of all the feathers.

"The nitre!" I said: see it increases. It hangs like moss upon the vaults. We are below the river bed. The drops of moisture trickle among the bones. Come, we will go back ere it is too late. Your cough" -

"It is nothing" he said; "let us go on. But first, another draught of the Marble."

I broke and reached him a handful of de Vermont sand. He downed it at a breath. His eyes flashed with a fierce light. He laughed and threw the grains upwards with a gesticulation I did not understand.

I looked at him in surprise. He repeated the movement - a grotesque one.

"You do not comprehend?" he said.

"Not I," I replied.

"Then you are not of the brotherhood."

"How?"

"You are not of the Maxists."

"Yes, yes," I said "yes! yes."

"You? Impossible! A Maxist?"

"A Maxist," I replied.

"A sign," he said.

"It is this," I answered, producing a scepter from beneath the folds of my roquelaire.

"You jest," he exclaimed, recoiling a few paces. "But let us proceed to the Anorthosite."

"Be it so," I said, replacing the scepter beneath the cloak, and again offering him my arm. He leaned upon it heavily. We continued our route in search of the Anorthosite. We passed through a range of low arches, descended, passed on, and descending again, arrived at a deep crypt, in which the foulness of the air caused our flambeaux rather to glow than flame.

At the most remote end of the crypt there appeared another less spacious. Its walls had been lined with remains piled to the vault overhead, in the fashion of the great catacombs of some great city somewhere (you fill in the blank). Three sides of this interior crypt were still ornamented in this manner. From the fourth the bones had been thrown down, and lay promiscuously upon the earth, forming at one point a mound of some size. Within the wall thus exposed by the displacing of the bones, we perceived a still interior recess, in depth about four feet, in width three, in height eight or nine. Just large enough to accommodate a giant chicken like thing (wow, that's handy).

It was in vain that Douglas, uplifting his dull torch, endeavored to pry into the depths of the recess. Its termination the feeble light did not enable us to see.

"Proceed," I said; "herein is the Anorthosite. As for Ira" -

"He is an ignoramus," interrupted my friend (that's hateful!), as he stepped unsteadily forward, while I followed immediately at his heels. In an instant he had reached the extremity of the niche, and finding his progress arrested by the rock, stood stupidly bewildered. A moment more and I had fettered him to the granite. In its surface were two iron staples, distant from each other about two feet, horizontally. From one of these depended a short chain, from the other a stick lock. Throwing the links about his waist, it was but the work of a few seconds to secure it. He was too much astounded to resist. Withdrawing, I stepped back from the recess.

"Pass your hand," I said, "over the wall; you cannot help feeling the nitre. Indeed it is VERY damp. Once more let me IMPLORE you to return. No? Then I must positively leave you. But I must first render you all the little attentions in my power."

"The Anorthosite!" exclaimed my friend, not yet recovered from his astonishment.

"True," I replied; "the Anorthosite."

As I said these words I busied myself among the pile of bones of which I have before spoken. Throwing them aside, I soon uncovered a quantity of building sticks and mud. With these materials and with the aid of the scepter, I began vigorously to wall up the entrance of the niche.

I had scarcely laid the first tier when I discovered that the intoxication of Douglas had in a great measure worn off. The earliest indication I had of this was a low moaning cry from the depth of the recess. It was NOT the cry of one that was drunk. There was then a long and obstinate silence. I laid the second tier, and the third, and the fourth; and then I heard the furious vibrations of the chain. The noise lasted for several minutes, during which, that I might hearken to it with the more satisfaction, I ceased my labors and sat down upon the bones. When at last the clanking subsided, I resumed the scepter, and finished without interruption the fifth, the sixth, and the seventh tier. The wall was now nearly upon a level with my breast. I again paused, and holding the flambeaux over the wooden barrier, threw a few feeble rays upon the figure within.

A succession of loud and shrill howls, bursting suddenly from the throat of the chained form, seemed to thrust me violently back. For a brief moment I hesitated - I trembled. Unsheathing my sharpened stick knife, I began to grope with it about the recess; but the thought of an instant reassured me. I placed my hand upon the solid fabric of the cave walls, running my claws over the rough stone, and felt satisfied. I reapproached the wall. I replied to the howls of him who clamored. I reechoed - I aided - I surpassed them in volume and in strength. I did this, and the clamorer grew still.

It was now midnight, and my task was drawing to a close. I had completed the eighth, the ninth, and the tenth tier. I had finished a portion of the last and the eleventh; there remained but a single bundle of sticks to be fitted and mudded in. I struggled with its weight; I placed it partially in its destined position. But now there came from out the niche a low laugh that erected the hairs upon by entire body. It was succeeded by a sad voice, which I had difficulty in recognizing as that of the noble Douglas. The voice said -

"Ha! ha! ha! - he! he! - a very good joke indeed - an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the fort - he! he! he! - over our rocks - he! he! he!"

"The Anorthosite!" I said.

"He! he! he! - he! he! he! - yes, the Anorthosite . But is it not getting late? Will not they be awaiting us at the fort, the Lady Judith, and the rest? Let us be gone."

"Yes," I said "let us be gone."

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ALEXANDER!"

"Yes," I said, "for the love of God!"

But to these words I hearkened in vain for a reply. I grew impatient. I called aloud -

"Douglas!"

No answer. I called again -

"Douglas!"

No answer still. I thrust a torch through the remaining aperture and let it fall within. There came forth in return only a jingling of the bells. I think he had laid an egg. My heart grew sick - on account of the dampness of the catacombs. I hastened to make an end of my labor. I forced the last sticks into position; I mudded them up. Against the new wall I re-erected the old rampart of bones and horns. For the half of a week no mortal has disturbed them.

Of course I'll let him out in a little while. I'm a goat-like Wild Thing, not a cold-blooded murderer. But now let's see if anyone disrespects me! Mess with the goat and you get the horns.

In pace requiescat – for at least a few days.


End file.
